The End  Edward's POV Ch 3  New Moon
by Emma Dreams
Summary: Have you ever wonder how Edward felt when he said goodbye to Bella in New Moon? Chapter 3 of New Moon in Edward's POV.


_Have you ever wondered how Edward felt when he said goodbye to Bella in New Moon? I find really hard to write Edward, this is my first attempt, I hope I have made him justice.__ Enjoy and please comment back!_

**3. THE END - Edward's POV.**

I had already made my mind. The decision had already been taken. I was going to leave, to leave my whole existence, the only thing that kept me sane in this world, behind. I would tell her tomorrow, right after school. These past two days had been utterly difficult to both of us, to my whole family. Though Bella thought Alice had already gone, the truth was, that she still was at home. Completely submerge in a thick, dark misery. Trying to convince myself to change my mind, to stop me before - according to her – I would do a disastrous action. But the decision had already been taken long ago.

She was human, she would forget. She would find someone who could truly make her happy, who could truly give her everything she wanted and needed. I was not that person. I was _not_ a person, though I had gained humanity with Bella by my side, I was a monster.  
>A soulless monster.<p>

My eyes found her sleeping figure one last time. Her amazing skin shining beyond the moon light. That soft, silk like skin that had been my heaven and yet my own hell for all this time. It would be the last time I would see her like this, in her peaceful state. The last time I would smell her delicious, unique aroma. Ah, her scent… so tempting. Condemning me to my primal instincts, forcing to show the monster I am at every second of my endless days and nights.

Oh, how I would miss her scent. How I would miss her young, naïve eyes. Those brown eyes that held true wisdom on their depths. That held true love.

I came closer to her in her bed, not taking my eyes off her beautiful face for the tiniest fraction of moments. I deserved this at least; I deserved remembering her as she was. So perfect, so soft.

My hands were almost not mine, so were my lips. I needed of a strength I didn't know I had to restrain myself and not kiss her full, red lips. The ones that were once my home, the ones I would miss till the end of my days.

I kissed her forehead in a light way, praying that my cold lips wouldn't wake her up. But they lingered there longer than necessary, filling my mind with the feeling. Hoping this memory would accompany me in the darkest of my times that were yet to come.

I saw her move and before she could wake up I stormed through her window. As stealthy as a cat, making all my best not to make a strong movement and wake her up with the sound.

Alice was already waiting for me outside when I arrived to the house that had once served as home. Her little features were torn.

"Edward, don't." She cried to me, her face shaking side to side. "You can't do this Edward, not to her, not to you."

I sighed deeply, trying to compose myself. The truth was that this serene posture I had to always have in me was fading. And the real feelings were reaching the surface.

"The decision has been already made, Alice." I spoke the words coldly, sharp. "Please pack your things now."

_Please don't, Edward. I wouldn't bear being faraway from her and I know you wouldn't either. Don't do this, Edward, please. Don't do it._

She was pleading me through her mind, but I couldn't listen. I couldn't allow myself to be unsure about it. I had to be strong, to be strong for her.

"Go pack now, Alice," I breathed. "Please do it now. You are leaving before sunrise. I'll tell her tomorrow, and then I'll leave myself."

Her eyes were full of sadness when she stared into mine. "Can't I say goodbye, at least?"

I shook my head. "It is better this way, trust me." And with that, I entered to the house.

I did my best to ignore their pitiful regrets towards me as I passed through my family. Jasper was the worst to hear to, he was still blaming himself for what happened. Thinking that everything I had decided was because of him. Ah, how little did he know.

It had never been for him. It was much more than that. It was something I had been thinking for a long time but I had never had the will – emotional and physical – to truly take it out. To make it happen. But this was my cue; it was my pain for living her – or her own life. I laughed bitterly as I thought about it, her life was the most precious thing in my universe. I would do anything, _anything_ to perpetuate it.

In my room that night I vowed, something that I'd truly vowed long ago, but this time I was stating it clear. So I spoke out loud.

"If for any chance Bella vanishes off this world, I would crumble with her. Though whatever there is in me would burn in hell – because I would not stop until I found the miserable responsible. And yet her, would be as an angel… flying in Heaven as she deserves it."

The passed hours till the sun raised in the sky were felt as an eternity. My mind was going insane of desperation. I couldn't handle the pain of knowing that I was about to leave her, any longer.

They had all gone already. I had listened to their thoughts even if it wasn't my intention. Even if their pity and guilt had been the least thing I wanted to hear. I had listened to their regrets as they were going away, even if I had her lullaby playing in my stereo again and again. Even if the volume was to the top.

Before leaving the house I looked at every corner once. But not because I wanted to remember all the happy memories I had lived in them, but because I wanted to remember it lonely, cold, empty…

I needed something that would take me far from here, that would make me not come back anymore. I couldn't.

"I won't!" I hissed between my teeth. "I won't…,"

Before the pain started to consume me, I shut the door and enter to my car. I ignored the memories this car had to give me and pressed the gas pedal to its max.

I spent the morning as far from Bella as possible. I did my best to hide my true feelings and always had that cold, sharp, even mask in my features. Though it was becoming more difficult to have it, with every second passing by. Every some seconds, when I was sure she wasn't looking at me, I would peep at her face, at her eyes…

But then, when she would look back, I would be that same still figure I hated so much.

The hours till the time I would say goodbye had passed so painfully slow, that I would have vomited if I could. I waited for her in the parking lot when the classes ended. My heart of stone cracked when I saw her torn features, her sad eyes… But I had to be strong.

It was the time. Now.

"Do you mind if I come over today?" I asked her as we were reaching the truck, I tried to remain my tone as polite as possible. After all, that is what my kind know how to do best. _Lie_.

"Of course not." The change of expression in her eyes was so abruptly that for a moment I feared something could happen to her.

"Now?" I asked again as I opened her truck, trying at the same time to convince myself that this was the best. I couldn't be weak just now. Not now.

"Sure," she replied unevenly. "I was just going to drop a letter for Renee in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there."

I stared at the envelope on the passenger seat. I couldn't let this tiny envelope be the line between her life and her death, I couldn't let this little time she would use to take it, make me doubt any more. I took it in my hands with a sudden movement.

"I'll do it," I said quietly. "And I'll still beat you there." I tried to smile one last time the smile she liked so much in me, but I knew it hadn't been genuine, I could feel it her eyes.

"Okay," she agreed, unable to smile back. Without thinking it anymore, I shut the door and headed toward my car.

I sped through the streets to reach the mail in less time than commonly. The lady sat in a desk smiled at me, dazed, as per usual. But this time, when I looked down at her, she looked away, scared. This time, the misery and the pain I was feeling inside, was reaching the top.

I reached Bella's home in less than three minutes, I could go there with my eyes covered even if I weren't a vampire. What a stupid thought I had just had! If I weren't a vampire nothing of this would have happened. If I weren't a vampire I would be right now at her side, with my skin warm as hers, entertaining her with my lips. Not like this, not like the monster I was.

Of course she wasn't there when I parked my car in Charlie's spot. I reached the kitchen and left a note for Charlie, her calligraphy was the other thing I knew almost by heart. There was no way I would leave her alone in the woods without anyone knowing it.

"Please, Bella. Just don't be stupid and come back right when I'm gone." I muttered to myself as I placed the little paper on the table. I ran to my car again, waiting for her to come back.

I went to meet her when she arrived, grabbed her book bag and put it again on the seat. I wouldn't ask her to bring back her books too, that would be just too much.

"Come for a walk with me," I tried to sound polite, try not the anger I felt inside to reach my tone of voice and scare her.

Her eyes flickered in horror for a second, finally understanding that this wasn't my normal behavior. All the sweet color of her cheeks disappeared for a second, and I had to look away not to touch her and ask her if she felt fine.

Without waiting for her answer, I pulled her along toward the east side of the yard, where the forest encroached. Her movements were as clumsy as ever, her feet seemed reluctant to command her mind, because deep inside, she knew.

I let my mind shut, trying to think only in the mechanized movements of walking and watching. But I knew all of them just too much.

I stopped right when it could be called a private place, but very near her house. I wouldn't make her go alone in the woods.

She stared at me incredulous. She knew my walks; she knew this was too short to be one.  
>The pain was starting to be excruciating, for stupid it sounded it was hard to barely maintain myself standing. So I leaned against a tree and before I could even think it, I was staring at her, memorizing again every one of her delicate features.<p>

"Okay, let's talk," she said. Sick of my pathetic behavior.

_You have thought it endless times, Edward. It is easy. Now say it._

I took a deep breath. "Bella, we're leaving."

But I didn't see the pain I expected in her eyes. That was a good thing, maybe I was more replaceable than what I had thought. It was a good thing… wasn't it?

"Why now? Another year—"

I cut her off, no questions. "Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in  
>Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless." All the truth was at the end a lie, because none of these were the main reason.<p>

She stared at me confused, the expressions in her eyes changing at every millisecond going from confusion, to a thoughtful one, then to realization, then to immense pain. _Why?_

"When you say we—," she whispered.

Oh, she had misunderstood. "I mean my family and myself." I spoke each word separate  
>and distinct. Afraid I might collapse for only saying them.<p>

She shook her head back and forth mechanically, trying to clear it. I waited for her to recover. But how would she recover in only minutes? Her eyes seemed so disturbed, so sad. _She is human, she will forget_. I reminded myself.

"Okay," she spoke minutes later. "I'll come with you."

No. She couldn't be stubborn right now. She couldn't make me doubt. She couldn't. "You can't, Bella. Where we're going… It's not the right place for you." I was desperately searching for the words that would make her stay, though all of them seem completely stupid to me.

"Where you are is the right place for me." She pleaded, looking directly into my eyes.

"I'm no good for you, Bella." These words, though, these were the truest of all.

"Don't be ridiculous." Her replied sounded like a pleading, though I was sure she had intended to sound angry. But she looked tired, too hurt. "You're the very best part of my life."  
><em><br>No, don't say that, my love. Don't say that._

"My world is not for you," I tried my words to be intelligible for her, because my system was being destroyed a bit more with every second passing by. With every word I spoke, with every one she replied.

When she spoke again, her eyes were determined. "What happened with Jasper—that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!"

It hurt only to think in the mere memory of my brother almost taking the life of the love of my life –no, of my existence. "You're right," I agreed. "It was exactly what was to be expected."

"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay—"

And I knew she would say that, I knew her just too well. But with all the years alone I had had time to think, I had realized that every word spoken had to be thought thoroughly. And that is what I had done back then, in that hospital. When I had been the cause of her almost death once again.

"As long as that was best for you," I corrected her.

"No! This is about my soul, isn't it?" she shouted, furious, the words exploding out of her, but it was nothing more than a plea. "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you—it's yours already!"

He told her that? How dared he! I took a deep breath and stared at the ground. Trying to steady myself, trying to not take the even mask off my features, trying not to hear in my head again and again the last words she had spoken. Her soul wasn't mine, it would never be mine.

If I didn't say something hard, something completely ridiculous, everything would fall apart. Every reason I had come up with these past few days, would all crumble apart.

When I finally looked up, I was completely determined to make her hate me. Even if she would think she felt devastated at the moment, all the misery would be gone with me. And she would feel fine again. I took a deep breath, this could be the most big, fat lie I would have to say in my entire existence. Completely ridiculous. And even if it was hard only to say it, even if I felt the opposite in every one of my dead cells that formed my body, I needed to try it.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." I spoke the words slowly and precisely, repairing on every part of her face to see how she was taking it.

She made a pause, her expression so hard, so dead, that for a second I had to look away.

"You… don't… want me?" She changed the order of the words spoken. Even if they sounded unbelievably wrong in this way, even if the _don't_ was completely out of place, it was the perfect order of words I needed right now.

"No."

She stared into my eyes, trying to understand, trying to see the littlest of details on them that would tell her I was wrong. But my mask was too strong right now, not for me though, nothing of this was for me.

"Well, that changes things." She said almost as a robot. As if she knew she had to say those words but she didn't feel any one of them. I convinced myself of the opposite.

I needed to let her know this, even if it wasn't in the exact way I would like her to know. But maybe, in the unconscious part of her brain, late at night, when she would be dreaming, she would form the phrase as I would want her to. I looked away into the trees, fearing the mask would disintegrate.

"Of course, I'll always love you… in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm… tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human." I tried to stare at her coldly. "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that." And God's know how sorry I am!

"Don't." She spoke in a mere whisper, her eyes already full of misery. "Don't do this."  
><em><br>I am sorry, my love. I already have._

Today I was the biggest liars of all. But this statement she could never refute. Because unbelievably, she felt it in that way deep inside. "You're not good for me, Bella."

She was going to speak, but didn't. And even though I was dying to know what she was going to tell me, I remained even, waiting patiently for her to steady herself.

"If… that's what you want."

_It is not_, my mind added at the same time I nodded.

For a second I feared she might collapse into the ground. Of course I wouldn't let that happen, but I didn't want to risk touching her more than the necessary. My sight of her like this, so vulnerable, brought lots of memories of how defenseless she had always been. And it was impossible to even think about it.

"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much," I tried to sound casual, though this favor was more important to myself than my own life. With that thought, and just for a second, my even mask disappeared, and all the emotions I was feeling flashed through my eyes. She saw them, her stare deep in mine to see if she could identify what was it about. But I composed myself in the same second remembering this was all for her sake.

"Anything," she vowed, her voice faintly stronger.

That replied gave me an aura of relief. For a second my stone, cold eyes were replaced by the eyes I only had for looking at her. To be sure she had understood it, that she would keep the promise, I let myself look into her eyes as I would always want to do. With an intensity that almost burned them.

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid," I ordered her, each word distinct. Strong, desperate. "Do you understand what I'm saying?" _Please, my love. Do it for me.  
><em>  
>She nodded helplessly.<p>

Fearing she had deciphered something with my strong change of intensity, I added. "I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself—for him." _And for me._

She nodded again. "I will," she whispered.

I let out a deep breath, for a second I relaxed a little. But then I turned completely stiff again, because this might be the hardest part of all.

"And I'll make you a promise in return," I said. "I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed."

I winced, unable to let the pain inside. Luckily, she didn't see it. Her eyes were lost in the trees, far, far away. All her body seemed to tremble, her blood pounding fast, bringing me for tiny moments closer to the monster I was. But I loved her too irrationally, too unbearably much to hurt her.

I tried to smile gently, but I feared it had looked as if I were grimacing. "Don't worry. You're human—your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind." I convinced myself at the same time I tried to convince her.

"And your memories?" She almost choked.  
><em><br>No questions._ "Well"—I hesitated for a short second, what would I tell her? My memories never fade; I would have them with me, torturing me in every second of my endless days and nights. I couldn't lie to her, she knew I would never forget. But I could tell her something else, maybe. —"I won't forget. But my kind… we're very easily distracted." I smiled with disgust. What a big lie!

I took a step away from her, leaving her at once would be too difficult. And then, with these last words, I tried to sound detached, but the pain was so impossible, that I didn't know if I made it.

"That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again." The last phrase was crucial, and I knew also unbearable to her.

She flickered, surprised. "Alice isn't coming back," she spoke almost inaudible. It wasn't a question though, it was a realization.

I shook my head slowly, always watching her face, trying to predict her reactions.

"No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."

"Alice is gone?" She sounded disappointed, betrayed.

I took a deep breath. I would never stop being the villain, never stop hurting everyone.

"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you." A clean break, like that doctor said so wisely in Phoenix, it would heal more easily, more quickly. That was what I was praying with all my forces, that Bella wouldn't suffer.

Even though whatever I had inside was breaking into little, irreparable pieces, I stayed still, completely unemotional from the outside.

"Goodbye, Bella," I tried to sound serene when I was literally screaming for the pain in my head. _Goodbye, my love._

"Wait!" she choked out, moving her legs forward to reach me.

_No, don't do it, Bella. No. I wouldn't bear it, don't touch me._

I locked my hands around her wrists before she could blink, and pinned them to her sides.  
>She didn't know how much I needed to feel her close too, to hear her little heart pounding violently when I kissed her…<p>

Without thinking it twice, I bended down and lightly kissed her forehead.

"Take care of yourself," I managed to breath, inhaling for the last time the perfect scent of her skin.

_Ah!_

Before I would crumble completely I stormed away, not letting myself look back even once. Because I knew that would be enough to get back into her arms. I ran to the house and took my car, my own hands were trembling, something I had once found impossible.

I sped without caring about anything through the streets, but I needed to stop. I needed to get out of this horrendous car that brought me so many memories. I parked it far away in a rush and got out, reaching the woods.

I ran, and ran through the woods. Ran at immense speed, ran with fierceness, ran as the beast I was. I stopped in the middle of the green and trees.

And I shouted. I screamed. I cried without tears. I let all the pain that this action produced me, fly freely.

I prayed her name, devouring every one of the sounds the letter of it had with solemnity. Tattooing them in every inch of my body, in every inch of anything that could be me.

In an instant I grabbed a tree with furious hands and detached it from its roots. I threw it with all the strength in this world; I couldn't even see where it landed.

But I did not care. I was already dead. I was the tree and Bella was the roots that would connect me to life. My humanity had been left there, in this tiny town of Forks along with my dead heart, along with my inexistent soul, along with any fraction of happiness I could have ever felt.

This was not for me. This was all of her, for her sake.

_I am sorry, my love, for any pain I have caused you, for any sleepless night I gave you. I am sorry. But you will be happy now. You will find your true love, the one that will give you everything that you deserve. But not more love. Ah, no one could ever love you as much I do. No one. I have heard it in their minds, the ones that claim to have loved some time. Oh, they don't know anything about it. They have never agonized of pain for not being able to see their love. For not being able to touch it, to smell it, to feel it. They don't know what it is to feel the physical pain I'm feeling right now as I'm leaving you behind. I'm clenching my fists, biting my tongue with my own teeth, shutting my eyes with strength, making anything that I can do so I don't go back to you. It's taking of a supernatural strength to contain myself and not run back to your arms, to your love._

_It is all for you, my Bella. It is all for your sake. Not for mine. Be happy._


End file.
